Why I'm Not Doing NaNoWriMo This Year

Sometimes I get jealous when I surf other people's blogs.  "Wow," I think.  "They have their very own place on the internet where they can post what they like!" 

Of course, the moment that I actually form the feeling into so many words is usually the same moment that I remember I have my own blog. 

I am a silly goose, no?

At the moment, my laptop is back in semi-working condition.  I don't know how long it will last -- I've learned not to take anything for granted -- but I am determined to not be disappointed, no matter what happens with it.  Disappointment, when you really look at it, can be such a waste of energy.  Treat everything like a gift, and with time everything feels like a delightful surprise.  It's a beautiful way to live.

I am thinking that I might not do NaNoWriMo after all.  This morning, I found myself thinking of November, and wishing that I didn't have to curtail all the writing-related things I want to do, simply because I think I should do NaNoWriMo.  It is true that at this stage in my life, I desperately need some time devoted solely to creativity.  But the more I reflect on the matter, the more I think that NaNoWriMo is not the creative activity that I need.  

The reason that the passion and creativity have left my writing is this: since I discovered I could write, I have tried my best to accomplish something with my writing because I wanted to prove that I could accomplish something, not because I loved writing itself.  Sure, I still loved it, but I took that passion for granted as a tool, a means to an end.  The continual pressure I put on myself to perform has driven so much of the joy from my writing.  I find myself longing for the days when I could start random stories in order to play with an idea, without feeling like I absolutely had to finish them.  I want to be able to "doodle" with my writing again.   

So, here is what I propose to do with my writing life: instead of devoting the month of November to writing 50,000 words of a novel, I will devote that time to creativity.  I will play with ideas, construct plots I may never use, scribble character sketches, start stories that I will never finish, draw characters, and care not if I make a mess.  I will do the things that the performance pressure has kept me from doing.  And hopefully, I will heal.